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It has been days since my mother came home to live her last days..

The first days it was busy, so busy that we had no time to think about the reason she came home.

We got her a fine bed in the middle of the living room, my niece turned over her “Led tv” so we could throw away the old 30kg device and make room for the bed. We got her pillows and blankets and so fort. She liked it. She was happy with all the little things she still had. For instance: While she did not eat anymore (for more than a week at the time she got home), she started to enjoy ice cubes and clementine juice. Then we found out that clementine juice can also be turned into ice cubes. She was the happiest woman on earth when she enjoyed her first clementine cubes. She did not care that the juice was led from her stomach right to a tube in her nose and into a plastic bag.

She also got two automatic pumps. One for “dormicum”, a medicine for sleeping and one for morfine. Dormicum is just working at nights, the morfine is for the pain, but with a minimum quantity and a low frequence.

The days were fine. I brought my laptop and worked while from time to time we had good conversations with my mother. Sometimes she fell tired so she rested, while i worked.

Since yesterday the odds turned around. She sleeps more than she is awake. Today she has some new pains. The doctor decides to turn on the dormipump all the time and the morfine is being increased bij quantity and frequency. Now i realize that she is here to die.

Another thing of the past days are the gatherings of “old friends”. The last 15 years we lost contact with a lot of our friends. Some of them moved to another region some are living in the same city, but lives are too busy for socializing. Many of them visited us and many of them called to wish us the best.

I can tell that many people aren’t used to act in these situations. Wishes like “Hope you get better soon” are odd in this situation. I just find it ironic and i believe that they say such things with good intentions. However sometimes its hard to put things in perspective when you are stressed.

Another thing are the many calls from family and friends living in other countries. They heard something, but just a part of the story. So today i had to tell seven times what happened last month and end with the conclusion that i hope my mother will die soon.

Today we also start to talk about the planning after she is gone. Like most Turkish people living in the Netherlands, my mother has a kind of assurance to be transported to her place of birth where she wants to be buried. They take care of things like transport to a morgue, the flight to Turkey etc.

8.45: I arrive at the hospital. She is a sleep. I want in the next room, which has been our “base” for the past week. 2 nurses come to help her bath. She seem so weak, nothing like yesterday morning.

After her bath, i enter the room and she seems to be reliefed. She tells me she feels much better now she is lying in a different position. And the nurse promissed to find another special matrass for her.

We talk a little. She still finds it odd that i can be so flexible with my work. I tell myself that i really appreciate this that it is made possible.

She starts to watch a soapserie on the tablet. After a while a nurse enters the room and starts to talk about possibilities to go home or to a hospital. We ask time to think about it. At 12 we will talk again. Hopefully my sister will be here also.

Mother seems to be upset. I ask her why. She tells me that she did not anticipate on this step. She feels uncomfortable because again she is confronted whit an unexpected surprise. She worries about how the bed will fit, whether there will be assistance, how the visitors will be managed and so fort. I assure her that i do have organizing skills but i doubt wether this reassures her. Now she is a sleep.

My sister calls. She has visited the company doctor and had called her executive at work. I can hear it in her voice that she has cried. She tells me that she will not work coming period. Now she is at the rental company. She will try tot get the rental contract of the house on 2 names. Otherwise she will have to move after my mother pass away.

In the afternoon my mother decides that she wants to get home and pass away in her own house. The moving will take place tomorrow before afternoon.

In the morning I wake up with mixed feelings. The call i don’t like but which would mean that my mother is free from all her suffering did not come.

My sister and i fresh up, eat breakfast and leave for the hospital. When we arrive, the nurse who was also there yesterday, walks towards us with a smile. Obviously she has goed news to tell.

Indeed she tells us that my mother had a good night and she is now watching something at her tablet. Wow! This is not what i expected for today!

In the room we see my mother. She looks rested and looks at us with the greatest smile i have seen in years. She tells us that she had her first sleep since she has been in the hospital. I can’t help tot think that her condition yesterday was just a dip. But soon that wishful thinking is wiped away since with the hour she gets more tired. Even when telling an anekdote from her youth, its like she ran a marathon after just just a few minutes.

I beg God to free her from this suffering. This is not the way a good human should pass away.

In the evening we are just beside her bed. Waiting for the time she gets her sleeping aid. No talking, just thinking about the coming separation and hoping that it will come soon, so she can rest….